This is one of my rare personal posts, a musing on my own struggles with chronic pain and depression. I wanted to publish it last week in time for mental health awareness week, but I was too busy, so here it is now.
Living with disability and chronic pain can bring with it a number of challenges. From personal experience, the frustration of often being unable to do what I want to do has affected my mental health, causing my depression to resurface. During my recovery, maintaining a healthy weight became much more challenging, and trying to stay active when my body was unable to cooperate was maddening, all of which contributed to a very dark state of mind.
Without wishing to bang on about it, for those that are perhaps visiting the blog for the first time, let’s put my own experience into perspective.
I’d always been relatively active and was moderately fit. I loved the gym and much preferred being up and outdoors to sitting around. Then, back in 2014 I had a snowboarding accident and I broke my back, a compression fracture of my T10 to be exact.
My immune system kicked in, but sadly stayed switched on, even after my back had improved (though it will never fully heal now). My own immune system started to attack my healthy joints, leading to systemic inflammation and a double diagnosis of Sero-Negative Palindromic Rheumatism and Fibromyalgia. Whilst I’ve never accepted the latter diagnosis, to make things more difficult, different experts don’t agree on my joint condition. My current specialist believes I have pre-radiographic Ankylosing Spondylitis. I also have disk lesions throughout my lumbar spine, and my T10 has a permanent bulge.
I’ve grown accustomed to living with constant unrelenting pain; something anyone with chronic pain will identify with.
I have days where rolling over in bed, bending over, getting in or out of the car or getting dressed on my own is agony, but I’ve grown accustomed to living with constant unrelenting pain; something anyone with chronic pain will identify with.
I was literally mourning the loss of my old life.
In the early days I felt a great deal of sorrow, and not knowing whether I’d be wheelchair bound or not, caused me to become withdrawn and depressed; I was literally mourning the loss of my old life. My future felt bleak and for a short time, I was of a mindset that if I couldn’t enjoy the outdoors and feel the buzz of adrenaline that things like snowboarding provided me, then life was pretty much pointless.
I refused anti-depressants having been down that route many years before when I suffered from post partum depression. I was simply advised to work fewer days and to lower my expectations of what I could do. Walking for any distance was painful for many months, the Body Pump gym classes I used to do were now impossible, and I couldn’t even manage gentle Yoga or Pilates.
Determined to do something, I summoned all of my courage and went back to the gym after 6 weeks away. I went swimming, and whilst it certainly wasn’t pain free, I managed a short swim. Instead of feeling happy I’d found something I was in turmoil. A 20 minute swim seemed pathetic compared to what I used to do, and the hopeless feeling and self loathing were at an all time high. I became even more withdrawn and It was at that low point, that I realised I had a choice.
I could either admit defeat and let the pain and disability limit my life, or I could do everything I possibly could to overcome it.
Out walking at Tittesworth Reservoir
Gradually I moved from feeling like my life was over, to recognising how lucky I was. As the months went by, I realised I should be grateful that I wasn’t paralysed, and so I started using the mantra “it could have been so much worse”. It was around this time too that the #ThisGirlCan advertising campaign hit, and it really resonated with me.
The change in mindset galvanised me into action, as well as starting this blog, I did more of the only thing I could do at that time, which was swimming. I started getting up at 6am and going every morning before work. After a couple of months, the physical activity had banished much of my depression, and I was able to begin accepting and shaping the ‘new’ me.
I was doing things that some of my able-bodied friends couldn’t do, and that realisation was epic and spurred me on.
Instead of focusing on the things I couldn’t do, I focused on the positives. I thought about how determined I must be for sticking to my morning swimming routine, how tough I was because I wasn’t choosing the easy option and I looked better and felt fitter too….and I was doing it all despite being in so much pain that I’d often be crying into the pool as I swam.
Gradually I stopped feeling like a victim and I felt like a warrior. I was doing things that some of my depression free, able-bodied friends couldn’t do, and that realisation was epic and helped to spurr me on.
I started to congratulate myself and to be kinder to myself, which helped lift my self esteem. After a couple of months of swimming 5 days I week, I started doing gentle Yoga at home in the evening too. Then I started going out for little walks at lunch time at work and gradually my fitness started to increase again and I lost almost 3 stone, and amazingly, I now felt like I was managing my pain and not the other way around.
With any kind of chronic pain and/or disability it is so easy to let it win. From the many forums I’d participated in, it felt like some people with a similar diagnosis to me used it as an excuse to be lazy. Giving them a reason to not even bother trying; validating their decision to sit on the sofa and watch TV all day. Admitting defeat occasionally is necessary I’ve learned, but left unchecked, that can quickly become the norm that impacts peoples beliefs and expectations of themselves.
Of course I’m aware that all chronic pain is not the same, and disability is subjective and varies greatly in how badly it impacts peoples lives. It’s not always a simple case of mind of matter and I’m in now way suggesting laziness is to blame, but in my experience, a change in mindset can have a huge impact both mentally and physically.
What have I learned in the past couple of years?
Being active and spending time outdoors isn’t optional
I’ve learned that the stress relieving effects of both physical activity and spending time outdoors in the natural world is critical to my mental wellbeing, even more so than for my physical wellbeing.
Stopping negative self-talk
I learned not to blame myself or beat myself up, though this was hard. After the accident I could barely move, and I put on weight and it caused self loathing that fueled my depression. Building up my activity levels again gave me a different perspective on myself, doing something was better than nothing, however futile it felt at the time.
Accepting limitations and celebrating achievements
Acceptance of my limitations was something that I battled against for a long time. I was strong and capable and could do anything I felt like doing prior to the accident, so coming to terms with the fact that this was no longer the case, was probably the most difficult thing for me.
It’s OK to admit defeat occasionally, but it can’t become your norm
Learning to listen to my body and rest when necessary, and even having to cancel plans, is something I do still battle with. I’m rubbish at resting, and as a result end up operating at full capacity for months on end, then I tend to burn out and crash. This is something I’m still trying to improve on…but when I do get a truly bad day, I no longer beat myself up about it or feel guilty.
It’s never too late to change your mindset and surprise yourself
With the right mindset I have learned that my chronic pain can be managed. I moved from a negative, frustrated tone of self-talk, to forcing myself to think more positively, remembering my mantra “it could have been worse” all the time. I have the odd day, when I don’t win; when the pain is unrelenting and I’m so exhausted from constantly fighting it, that my body just gives in and forces me to take a rest day, and that’s OK.
Taking each day as it comes, no longer being scared to make plans or push myself, is the mindset that has turned me into a warrior; a person I can be proud of being, and that’s played a big part in managing my depression and spurring me onwards into doing things I’d never thought I’d be able to do.
Setting small achievable goals
If you’d have told me two years ago that in 2016 I would be walking up mountains, that climbing would be my new hobby or that I’d be snowboarding again, I simply would not have believed it. It all started with me swimming for just 20 minutes twice a week, then for an hour 5 days a week. Each time I did something new, the positive reinforcement helped me gain in confidence.
A few months later I tried my very first hill walk. It was agony, but I did it! After that, I planned more hill walks and found I was capable of walking for 9 hours straight. I took a kayak out on the water for the first time in 18 months, I went snowboarding again, I booked an indoor climbing session, and gradually I found myself doing more and more simply because I believed I could.
I feel like the accident, and the resulting disability and depression has actually given me a chance to reinvent myself. I’ve learned so much about myself and have realised that I’m far tougher and more determined than I ever knew, in fact I’m writing this after reaching the summit of Snowdon a few days ago.
The result? I am happier than ever with the ‘me’ I’ve fought for the last 2 years to become. I do have physical limitations, which I now accept and I still have bad days too, but I no longer let them win and I constantly challenge the negative self-talk that plagued me when I was depressed.
It’s never too late to strive to be more active, and spending more time outdoors could actually provide the space and clarity you need to breakthrough your current limitations and surprise yourself. Just keep telling yourself you can.
If you’re struggling with mental health issues, check out mind.co.uk
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